I haven’t wrote anything here for almost 5 months. Well, that’s because everything turned upside down and not the way I expected.
After I finished Outreachy internship in Debian in August, I applied to my dream job at Biocad. And I was accepted and started to work there as a little bioinformatician (formal title sounds more like “junior bioinformatics specialist”, but “little bioinformatician” sounds better).
A huge success, you might think.
But it turned out that it was too stressful and too time-consuming. Probably this is because I don’t fit this job.
Or maybe because my boss isn’t too good at planning and management I’ve expected him to be. Or maybe I cannot finish things on time.
Or maybe because research project without supervision isn’t the thing you would expect junior specialist to succeed with in 100% of cases. Or maybe failure - is the part of real-world R&D.
Or maybe my previous job as a software developer was billion times easier.
Or maybe I wanted to work at this place so badly that The Fate/The Universe/Cthulhu decided to give me a chance to fail :)
Any of these reasons might be correct.
Anyway, 3 months from September, 12th to December, 12th I slept for ~3 hours a day to make everything possible to succeed. And I failed.
Actually, year ago I started from the same point - I wanted to work there and I was rejected. I tried to do everything possible to get this job. I even wrote the protein folding program - I believed it could change something. It haven’t. The only reason I was accepted is that my boss had no better options.
Probably, this is another page in the story of my failures.
I haven’t wrote any code since I was fired at December - I don’t want to and find any possible stupid reason not to do it.
It feels like something broke inside and can’t be fixed.
Year ago it was hurt. But now I don’t even care.
My best friend gave me stickers with Rosetta Commons logo as a Christmas gift. I haven’t used them yet. Not because I can’t decide where to stick it, but because it doesn’t matter now. Year ago it was like “YAY! That’s supercool!!!!1”.
The end. The end? Not sure.
Probably if I’ll continue writing to this blog things get better.